One afternoon a man came
home from work to find a mess in his house. His three children were outside,
still in their night clothes, playing in the mud. Empty food boxes were all
over the front yard and the door to the house was open. When he stepped into
the house he found a bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the
television was very loud. There were clothes and toys everywhere.
In the kitchen, dishes
filled the sink and dog food was poured all over the floor. A broken drinking
glass was under the table.
The man began to yell for
his wife, he was worried she might be sick or that something bad had happened.
Then he found her…in her bed still in her night clothes. And she was reading a
book! She looked up at him and smiled and asked how his day went.
He looked at her with great
confusion and said, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered,
“You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what I did all
day?” “Yes,” he replied. She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
Much of what a mother does
for her family is unseen. It is work that may feel meaningless at times, but
its importance is magnified when mom is absent from the home or unable to
provide for the needs of her family.
My own journey as a mother
has led me to understand just how important my role is at home and in our
family.
I hold a bachelor’s degree
in music education. During my teen years, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted
to teach music and influence the lives of children. My husband and I married
during my college years. Our first child came early in our marriage and I had
our second child on my graduation day. After I finished college, my husband
pursued a degree that would enable him to be a pastor. Our plan was for me to
find a job teaching music and support the family while he went to school. Once
I had secured a job, we would find quality childcare for our two children.
We moved to a small
community where the university was located and I began to look for teaching
jobs. Discouragement set in as I found there were no openings for teaching
music in the community we were living in. In desperation, we chose a second
option for income. I would provide daycare in our home for other families on
the college campus. There was a need for quality childcare and I had no trouble
finding enough children to watch. But God used this experience to change my
heart.
I cared for my own children
and other’s children day in and day out. I was a quality caregiver. However,
when a child fell and scraped his knee, it wasn’t my comfort he wanted—he wanted
his mother. When one of the preschoolers woke up from a bad dream during
naptime, I would cuddle and comfort her, but she always cried for mom. And when
the older children came home after school, I heard all of their stories and
excitement from their school day. By the time their mother or father picked
them up several hours later, the excitement was gone, the stories had been told,
and mom and dad had missed out on so much.
After watching this happen
day after day, my husband and I made a decision that I would stay at home and
care for our children at least until they were in school. This was a great
plan…except for the fact that we kept having children.
When our second child was
entering school, I found out I was expecting our third child and six years later
when our third child was losing her front teeth and preparing to go to school, I
found out we were expecting number four. At this time, I felt that I was now
going to be home for forever!
But God was working on my
heart again. One day as I was reading my Bible, I heard his gentle whisper.
“Jill, you are considering teaching your career, but what you are doing everyday
with your children is your career. Do not look on this as a season of waiting
until you can go back to teaching. Look upon motherhood as your career.
Consider motherhood your profession.”
That was a change in
perspective for me. For the first time in my life, I began to look at what I
did everyday as important and I began to be more intentional in setting goals
for myself, my marriage, and my children. When I viewed motherhood as a
profession, I became a much more intentional mom and I began to see the
long-term value of the care I provide for my family everyday.
I believe it is time for a
new response to the question, “What do you do?” Most women who are at home with
their children reply with “Oh, I’m just a mom.” I believe however, this
question demands a new answer---one that gives value to what a mother does. I
believe we need to answer the question with “I’m a woman in the profession of
motherhood and I love my job.”
Our families, our
communities, our countries, and our world need to consider mothering a
profession.
I applaud countries such as
the France, Sweden, and Germany who actually provide a salary to women who
choose to stay home with their children. In the United States, families may
receive a tax credit for each child, however, women who pay for childcare get an
additional tax deduction but women who care for their own children get no
additional financial assistance. It seems that both men and women, as well as
leaders of government and countries need to better understand the importance of
what a well-raised child brings to this world.
It is with this conviction
that I wrote my first book Professionalizing Motherhood which is
now available not only in English but also in German and Polish
and in 2008 will be released in Spanish. This is a message that transcends
culture. Children need a mother at home during the years they are growing
up and our world needs to figure out a way to help that happen.
The spiritual and emotional
foundation of a child’s life is laid during his or her first 18 years. This is
when they will develop their sense of value, self-worth, and confidence. It is
when integrity, character, and a sense of right and wrong is developed.
Spiritually speaking, if a foundation of faith is laid in the early years, a
child will more likely carry that faith throughout his entire life. All of this
formation needs to happen at home in a loving family.
When we talk about the word
home we’re not really talking about the structure we live in, but rather about
our connection to the people who live in the structure with us. I’ve focused on
the value of “home” for the past two years as I’ve been writing a book entitled
“My Heart’s at Home: Becoming the Intentional Mom Your Family Needs.” I’ve spent the past 24 months
looking at all the roles that home plays in our life: Home As a Safehouse
where we are heard, loved, and respected. Home as a Rest Area where we
pull off the highway of life and find rest and refreshment. Home As A
Hospital where the physical and emotional wounds we receive can be bandaged
and cared for. Home as a Church where we learn about a God who loves us
more than we can ever imagine. Home As A Pep Rally where someone
believes in us and cheers us on. Home as a School where we learn to
manage time, money, and possessions. And Home as a Playground where the
family laughs and plays together. And those are just a few of the roles that
home plays in our life. What happens at home while a son is growing up will
determine who he is as a husband and father someday. What happens at home while
a daughter is growing up will determine who she is as a wife and mother
someday. What happens at home sets the stage for the rest of a child’s life.
If home is that important,
doesn’t it make sense that someone be at home to guide, direct, and oversee what
happens at home? Doesn’t it make sense to consider mothering a viable
profession?
Children grow up in the
blink of an eye. The time flies by so very fast. It feels like we will have a
lifetime to influence them, but in reality we have a small window of time.
Let me illustrate with my
own children.
Anne was born on a cold February day and I can remember it like it was yesterday. She was married last September and
it does something to your heart when you see your daughter in a wedding dress. Today she’s a newlywed. All grown
up and making a home of her own with her husband, Matt.
Evan came along two years after Anne. Today he’s a sophomore in college and a musician trying to make his way in the
world. He’s right on the edge of adulthood.
Erica was born four years later. She was a very fussy baby. Today
she is a sophomore in high school. She will only be home for a few more years.
Austin is our youngest child. He
has always had a great smile and a love for fun. Today he’s a 5th grader who loves his sports.
Those are our four
biological children. However, I’m a mother of five. Let me tell you about our 5th child.
After giving birth to four
children my husband and I thought our family was complete. But when you let God
write your life story, you may experience blessings beyond your wildest dreams.
 In January of 2003, this
picture was handed to me. It was a
picture of an 8 year old boy living in an orphanage in Russia. He was given up
at birth by parents who gave him life but due to poverty, could not raise him.
At the age of 8, his chances of finding a forever family were very slim.
On the day that picture was
placed in my hands, I knew he was our child. Now I had a problem. I had to
figure out a way to tell my husband that we had another child and he was on the
other side of the world! But God took care of that for me because when I showed
my husband the picture, he said, “Jill, this boy looks like he belongs in our
family!” And nine months later, after two trips to the beautiful country of
Russia, Kolya became our son. He was nine years old.
If you want to understand
the importance of home and family, step into the shoes of a child who has
neither one. Kolya received the best care any institution could give in
his orphanage, but he lacked any sense of right and wrong—because he had to do
whatever it took to survive and fend for himself in an institutional setting.
He desperately longed for a mama and a papa in his life, but when he suddenly
had them he wasn’t quite sure what they were needed for. He had learned
many self-comforting techniques because he was unable to receive the comfort he
needed as a baby and small child because there were just too many children and
too few adults. And he carried with him many emotional walls because he
learned that you can only trust yourself---you can’t trust anyone else.
For nine years he lacked the
nurturing environment that an intact family unit gives a child. He lacked the
direction and wisdom that a loving mom and dad provide. And he lacked the love
and encouragement he desperately longed for as a human being.
Today, almost four years later, Kolya now understands what the words “home” and
“family” really mean. And my husband and I better understand
the value of what we bring to each of our children’s lives.
Some say that
it takes two incomes to raise a family, however many families find that living
with one income and learning to live a simple, frugal life works well enough to
make ends meet. I have learned to shop very carefully. We buy
clothing in second hand stores and we do without things we would like to have.
My husband and I have always believed that what we provide spiritually and
emotionally is more important than the things we sometimes wish we could give to
our kids.
Some say that single parents
can give the same care as married parents. Indeed there are many wonderful
single parents, but experience as well as research proves that children do best
in a home with a mother and a father who love one another and make their
marriage a priority. Making a marriage a priority in the midst of raising a
family can be a challenge and I speak from experience on this. When teaching
marriage seminars, my husband and I introduce ourselves as being married 24
years---fourteen of them happily. You see, the first 10 years of our marriage
were very difficult and we eventually found ourselves in a marriage counselor’s
office trying to figure out what went wrong. While there were many areas that
we needed to change one of the biggest changes was our need to move from being
child-centered to being marriage-centered. We came to understand that the best
stability we could give our children was taking time to invest in our marriage
and making it a priority.
Some say that quality day
care is just the same as mother care. However, my experience as a day care
provider says otherwise. Children need the individualized love and care that a
mother provides.
Some say if a woman stays
home and takes care of her family, she loses her career opportunities. Do you
realize that the average mother who has children in her twenties will be done
raising them in her forties? At that point she actually has over 20 years
outside of mothering to pursue a career. Let’s look at this with an
illustration. This is a timeline
of a woman’s life if she has two children in her early twenties. The pink color represents her
growing up years. The blue
indicates time spent in higher education. The red represents a few years of
marriage before children are born. The green indicates years spent
raising a family. PPT 30 The dark purple shows us how much time this
mother would have to pursue her career after raising a family, if she would
like. And
the light purple indicates years she might spend in retirement. While this does
not apply to every situation, I believe it helps us see just how much time a
woman has to pursue her career even when taking time to raise a family.
Some say that a woman has a
right to a career. I absolutely agree. However, I believe that we need to cast
vision for both men and women that motherhood needs to be a valid option when
choosing a career. Just because she doesn’t bring home a paycheck doesn’t mean
she doesn’t contribute equally to the family unit or society. And just because
she is educated, caring for her family full-time is not throwing away her
education. It’s simply applying her good mind and exceptional skills to the
nurturing of her family. And that is valuable! When motherhood is considered a
valid career option it allows the family to provide for both the physical and
emotional needs of their children.
If you remember nothing else
today, I hope you will remember this: Our children do not need the best clothes,
the best shoes, the best houses, or the best lessons or opportunities we can
give them. What they need is the best mom, the best dad, and the best home
environment we can provide.
We can’t underestimate the
value good parents bring to their children’s lives. Children need a mother’s
best--her best vision for the family, her best time to make it happen, her best
energy—not her leftovers
Fourteen years ago, I began
an organization called Hearts at Home. This organization is designed to
encourage, educate, and equip women in the profession of motherhood. Through
our website, magazine, and conference events, we cast vision for families and
help mothers to understand just how important it is for them to be an
intentional mom.
I leave you today with our
vision statement:
When you invest in a mother,
you influence a family. When you influence a family, you improve a community.
And when you improve a community, you advance a country. And when you advance a
country, you impact the world.
Ladies and Gentlemen, may we
impact the world…one family at a time.
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