Donald Schmierer

I am honored to speak to such a wide range of ethnic, culture and faith backgrounds as we have assembled here today.  My wife, Diana, and I have traveled to many of the countries that you represent and almost without exception have encountered friendly and warm-hearted people.  We come home from abroad feeling truly enriched for visiting each country and meeting so many nice people.

I realize there are many different cultures and faiths represented at this gathering, it is my sincere desire I do not offend anyone with what I have to share. I simply want to speak from my heart to your heart about some things I've learned from personal experiences.  My personal experience includes my faith in God, which is a major influence in my personal life and in my relationships with the people around me.

For 42 years, Diana and I have been privileged to be involved in a Christian ministry to students at both the high school and university level, many of whom struggle with addictive behaviors.  The last 10 years has really touched our hearts as we have been involved in some long-term relationships with persons struggling not only with drug and alcohol abuse, but with homosexual issues. We have felt their pain, their frustrations and, many times,  their displays of suppressed anger.  From our experience all of the addictive behaviors seem to produce these emotional responses.

Steven Covey in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People makes this statement in Habit Five, which he calls Empathetic Communication: Seek first to understand - then to be understood.

I hope and pray that you and I will gain understanding from the experiences that I will share in the few minutes we have together.

First, may I identify the problem as I see it.  My topic is "The Family as the Protector of Children."  From what we have on experienced and researched, most threats to children can be countered by the family.  The family can be a big part of the solution, but also, I'm sad to say, a very big part of the problem.

Our years of ministry have led us into some rather startling discoveries, especially when we meet the parents of the students who are struggling. From those encounters with parents, we all-too-often realize why the child is displaying some life-style problems.

We have a saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Another way of saying it is, "Like father, like son" or  "Like mother, like daughter"

I want to share with you in these few minutes some very personal experiences and some positive action steps you and I can take to build up our children and be a model to someone else's child.

There are three needs that every child has. In fact, as adults, you and I also have these same needs:

• The Need  -  TO BE LISTENED TO

• The Need  -  TO RECEIVE AFFIRMATION

• The Need  -  TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

The First need  -  To be Listened to

Allow me to paint for you a "word picture".  You and I are standing outside, and you are sharing with me some very important thoughts you have experienced recently. In the middle of our conversation I just turn and walk away, leaving you in the middle of your sentence.  Or, if I'm not quite that rude, I just look around, and by my body language I communicate that I am not interested in what you have to say.  If you're a normal person, you feel hurt and offended by my lack of respect to you by not being a sincere listener.  Our children will feel that same way when they are trying to say something important to us and they cannot get or keep our attention.

Some people are better at listening than others.  Many of us - and I must include myself - have struggled all our lives to be good listeners. And I, for one, am in the process of learning.  I have had to make a conscious effort to do this. I was raised at a time when adults believed that children should be seen but not heard. And husbands weren't always respectful or attentive to their wives, either. Now I have to work on not repeating that cycle and by listening to my wife and children.

Early in our marriage, when my wife, Diana returned home after a hard day at the office, I learned that if I would just sit down, give her my full attention, and really listen without offering my "brilliant" advice, she would feel free to share her frustrations at work.  Once she'd aired her grievances, soon she would be whistling away, doing whatever she had to do with a lighter heart.  The key to seeing her enjoy a pleasant evening seemed to require only that I sit down, listen attentively, and keep my mouth shut.  What Diana needed was a sounding board; she had a need to really feel listened to.

She did not need my advice, she needed my undivided attention.

The reality is that children have an even greater need to be listened to than adults do. It is very frustrating for them and devastating to their growth development not to be allowed to participate in significant interaction with their parents.

When our boys were teenagers, it seemed as if we could never get them to share what was going on in their lives, no matter how much we tried talking to them. We always got the same answers:  “Nothing much,” or “I dunno,” and off they went. The less they talked to us, the more concerned we became. All our best efforts yielded nothing--we simply could not get them to interact with us on a personal level. Sometimes they would report facts about whatever we asked, but there was no communication from the heart.

One Sunday after church, we went out to brunch with them, and for the first time in years, they started talking about real things.  We were rather shocked, and we wondered just what had "primed their pump."  We discovered two interesting things:

• First of all, being in a restaurant meant we had the boys all to ourselves.  At home it seemed as if the neighbor kids were always waiting for them with all sorts of things to do. Now we had their undivided attention.

• Second, the restaurant was neutral turf, while our home was permeated with parental authority.   At a restaurant, we were on common ground, and the boys were on an even playing field with us. Once we learned that at a restaurant we could enjoy genuine conversation with our boys, we had brunch every Sunday after church. It turned out to be a real blessing for all of us.

Jesus was a gifted listener. The New Testament reveals that He not only listened in depth, but also responded with understanding to two very different sisters who were faced with the same problem. Each sister had a unique personality type and therefore a different set of felt needs.  In the Gospel of John we read about the death of Mary and Martha's brother Lazarus. Ultimately Jesus did the most remarkable thing he could have done for either of them--he raised Lazarus from the dead.

But before the miracle, when approached by Martha who was an analytical type, Jesus met her need by having a meaningful and instructional dialogue with her. Mary, on the other hand was a very sensitive, intuitive person. Jesus met her need without dialogue--he simply wept with her.

As a father and husband, I can learn from Jesus' example that I should try to know each family member so well that I can respond to their personal needs in a specific and nurturing way. This cannot be done without careful listening on my part.

In all our years of ministering with youth, this is by far the most expressed grievance from youth towards their parents.  They have a real need for Dad and Mom to really listen to them.

The first need is: To be listened to

The second need is: To Receive Affirmation

I was raised in a family where hugs, words of encouragement or "I love you" were non-existent. In the early days, this affected my marriage.   From the time Diana and I were first married I really, truly loved her. But verbalizing my feelings in words was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I felt very weird and out of character trying to say loving and gentle things. She often told me how much she loved me, and you'd think that would have helped. But the ability to express my love in words was something I had to learn and develop over many years.

My father faithfully taught me the golden rule, good work ethics, and respect for people who were labors in our farm fields. In fact, our whole family worked alongside the laborers and we ate our noon meal with them. He also taught me honesty and integrity.  Your word was your honor even if it meant costing you money.  My father and mother faithfully taught me the Scriptures at home and took us to our house of worship. There is no question in my mind that my father really loves me.  But giving out affirmation to his three sons is something I don't think ever crossed his mind. Maybe that's because his parents failed to affirm him and he is repeating the cycle.

A year ago when I received from the first copies of my book, An Ounce of Prevention-Preventing The Homosexual Condition is Today's Youth,  I took my parents a copy.  After a short time of visiting, I proudly handed my dad a copy of my first published book.  Here's how the conversation went:

My Dad:  (after tearing the wrapping off), “Oh, and it was a disgusting, oh, is this what you have been working on these past four years?”

My response:  “Yes Dad.”

My Dad  (As he tosses the book on to the table): "I'll get to it someday." And with that, he changed the subject. 

Now I want you to know that my dad reads about three books per week, he's an avid book reader.

As I drove away in my car the pain of never being affirmed by my father hit me very hard and at the age of 62 years old, I broke down and cried.  It really hurt, even though intellectually I had known in advance that he would not give me a compliment. To this day, my Dad has never mentioned the book or asked how it is doing.

The good news is, my temperament (type A - just like dad's) allows me to press on much easier than a sensitive person.  The bad news is that I could be just like him, a strong domineering person who compliments no one. 

Thankfully God has dealt with me on this issue, and according to my wife and family, I did make a complete turn around. The cycle needed to stop with me.

This same lack of affirmation can destroy a sensitive child and set the stage for alcohol abuse, drug addiction and same sex attractions--a path that can eventually lead to a homosexual lifestyle.

Cody, a friend of ours, has been out of the homosexual lifestyle over 15 years. After reading about my life in An Ounce of Prevention, he asked me a penetrating question: "I don't understand, Don. After the hard way you were treated by your father you turned out the way you did and my dad was easier on me, yet I turned to the homosexual lifestyle?"

I said to Cody, "You were a sensitive child and I'm the opposite. I'm a hard domineering type of person, and things don't affect me the way they affect you."

We have recorded for us in the New Testament Gospels how Father God, on three separate occasions, affirmed His Son Jesus. And he did so in such a way that those around Him heard what He said.

When Jesus was baptized by John, God spoke from heaven, saying, "This is my Beloved Son, in whom I'm well pleased."

On the Mount of Transfiguration, God said, "This is my Beloved Son, listen to Him."

And before the Crucifixion, when Jesus prayed, "Father, glorify Thy name."  God the Father answered, "I have both glorified it (through you), and will glorify it again."

God let the whole world know that Jesus' life had fulfilled His expectations and caused His name to be glorified.  The perfect and ideal Father, God affirmed his Son, and he did it publicly.

If Jesus' Father deemed it important to audibly affirm his Son, even when that Son was in his thirties, what can we say of ourselves?  We earthly fathers should affirm our sons and daughters all their lives, both privately and in public.

So the first need is to be listened to.

The second need is to receive affirmation

The third need: To be Taken Seriously

People who aren't taken seriously can feel assaulted, as if they've been mugged and left for dead, their life draining out through their wounds.  If a person has been mocked, belittled, ignored, or otherwise overlooked, what usually is left for counselors to deal with is either a bitter, angry, rebellious or depressed person.

May I give a personal example in our family that happened to our youngest son?  One label was attached, and it was stated only once.  At about age 8 years of age a neighbor made a remark that forever left a brand on his mind.  He commented to him that he was going to grow up fat, like his grandpa.  From that moment on regardless of our encouragement to counteract the label, our son has been plagued with worries about his weight, and an excessive concern for his physical appearance.

Another close friend shared her thoughts in a group. The leader replied, “that was a dumb answer!” That remark deeply affected her life. Even now, thirty years later, she finds it almost impossible to express her thoughts in a group.

One of the things we did right when raising our boys was to ask them to give input to us as parents on a political election they were discussing at school.  Ol' Dad here chose to swallow his pride and superior adult knowledge and to vote in the election as our sons suggested.  This one simple act of valuing their opinions really brought our family closer. Why? Because our sons felt taken seriously by their parents.

The One Minute Manager by Blanchard and Johnson makes this statement, "Help people reach their full potential - catch them doing something right."  

As a father and parent, I can build self-esteem into my offspring by praising what they're doing right and not just heaping criticism on what's wrong.

In the first book of the Bible, we see Father God taking seriously Adam in several ways:

1. He brought Adam into a trusting partnership and gave him dignity by asking him to name all of God's animals.  What a prestigious and important role that was. And God never once said: "Adam, that's a dumb choice."

2. Father God took the initiative on identifying a real, felt need for a companion (wife) for Adam. He then did what He had to to meet that need.

3. Next we see Father God pursuing a relationship with the first family, and in that relationship there was open dialogue.

4. Finally, Father God sets the boundaries of right and wrong and laid out the consequences of mankind's actions if His words are ignored. Believe it or not, boundaries give young people security.

Once again, the three needs every child has are:

To be listened to

To receive affirmation

To be taken seriously

We have talked about what a family can do as the Protector to our children's well-being.  The further good news is that a grandparent, uncle, aunt, teacher, leader of faith or any concerned caring adult can make a significant difference in young lives.

There is no denying this reality: from our involvement and research we have done on persons struggling with drugs, alcohol and homosexuality have borne out that the root issues often center around dad and mom.  Specifically, one report from the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality in August of 1998 stated:

 “100% of the research participants stated their father or father figure was distant, uninvolved in their upbringing, frightening and unapproachable.  87% spoke of a mother who was close, controlling and over bearing.”

In the Gay Activist book Gay Soul records sixteen testimonies of homosexual men and one statement repeats again and again: "We all have problems with our dads".

The problem surfaces when there is a "sensitive" child (sometimes referred to as an "artistic" or "compassionate child") and a dominating or unavailable parent.  The perception of the child is a feeling of not being affirmed for being who they are, and the feeling that they are unloved.  This situation sets the stage for the sensitive child to not only feel unloved but rejected and many times labeled in a very demeaning way.  This often comes from a parent or peer. And sad to say, it happens many times in places of worship and houses of faith.

On the other hand, Diana and I have heard literally hundreds of testimonies of those who have found help with their addictive behaviors. In so many words, they say:

Someone believed in me,

Someone was there when I needed it,

Someone took a special interest in me, even though my parents did not.

Today these young adults are a real asset in their communities - they are doing well.

Dr. Barbara Staggers, for Young Life, makes this statement, "The difference I see between kids who make it and kids who don't, most often is one caring adult."

In my local newspaper, I saw this Ann Landers column on Sept. 29, 1999. It was titled "Parents' Behavior Can Help Children." In conclusion, I think it's well worth passing on to you and I now quote:

A youth minister was assigned to a Youth Correction Prison for his summer work asked the boys for clues as to WHY they had ended up in that institution. He then asked them to draw up a code for parents to follow, zeroing in on specific areas where THEY (the parents) had failed. Here's what emerged:

1. Keep cool. Don't fly off the handle. Keep the lid on when things go wrong.  Kids need to see how much better things turn out when people keep their tempers under control.

2. Don't get strung out from booze or too many pills. When we see our parents reaching for those crutches, we get the idea that it is perfectly okay to reach for a bottle or a pill when things get heavy. Children are careful observers and great imitators.

3. Bug us a little. Be strict. Show us who is boss. We need to know we have got some strong supports under us. When you cave in, we get scared.

4. Don't blow your class. Stay on that pedestal. Don't try to dress, dance or talk like your kids. You embarrass us, and you look ridiculous.

5. Light a candle. Show us the way. Tell us God is not dead or sleeping or on vacation. We need to believe in something bigger and stronger than ourselves.

6. Scare the hell out of us. If you catch us lying, stealing or being cruel get tough. Let us know WHY what we did was wrong. Impress on us the importance of not repeating such behavior.

7. When we need punishment, dish it out. But let us know you still love us, even though we have let you down. It will make us think twice before we make that same move again.

8. Call our bluff. Make it clear you mean what you say. Don't cave in. And don't be intimidated by our threats to drop out of school or leave home.  Stand up to us, and we'll respect you. Kids don't want everything they ask for.

9. Be honest. Tell us the truth no matter what. And be straight arrow about everything. We can take it. Lukewarm answers make us uneasy. We can smell uncertainty a mile away. The bottom line is that we want you to tell it like it is.

10. Praise us when we deserve it. If you give us a few compliments once in awhile, we will be able to accept criticism a lot easier.

That's what our kids are saying to us.

The challenge I give you today is this:  We, as caring adults, can make a difference in our own families, and in the lives of any other children we may come in contact with.  You and I can become people who extend themselves to helping and caring for others so that the next generation can have a good start towards forming healthy families and the homosexual attractions that face our youth can and will be prevented at it’s root source.